Monday, June 30, 2008

It's all in the conversation...

By Lauren Wood

Congratulations, Monsieur Chevaleresque! You have successfully stolen your true love, the beautiful and demure Mademoiselle Mimi from the clutches of your evil uncle, le Comte d'Infamie!

But he's tracked you down and now, before you and Mimi can live happily ever after, you must duel! Duel!

Since you know the duel will always be at dawn and by the nearest misty plain, there is but one question to consider as his glove slaps your shoulder: Swords or pistols?

And so we have our topic for this issue of Wood Vs. Wood. Caroline Wood takes the coward's route, insisting guns are the best means of settling the score. But, clearly, swords are the way to go! She mentioned something about nobility and honor, specifically referencing the turn-your-back-and-take-ten-steps thing. But what then? One blast (or two) and all is resolved!

Where is the conversation? The exchange of witty repartee (a word that actually comes from the French fencing term meaning "an answering blow or thrust")? Shall we have no shouts of "Aha!" or "Take that, villain!"? What about that quickening pace of combat as the adrenaline courses through your very being and your swords flash in the dim light of the rising sun? In other words, where is the Romance of violence?

You see, I used to fence. I know! I know what it's like to slash and thrust and stab and parry. It really is the best way to communicate, especially during a disagreement. The force with which you duel shows your opponent how deadly serious you are about winning this bout, or your love for Mimi, or your revenge for your slain brother, or your desire for the last chocolate doughnut. The power can shift and fortune can turn, with your terrain expanding and the danger increasing every step and every second the duel continues. It is a dance! With crescendos and diminuendos and spontaneous choreography of passion! And then someone dies! It just does not get much better than that!

This is already quite long enough, and I haven't even gotten into the phallic characteristics of swords. Nor the fact that they are, literally, flashier. But this argument could go on for pages (or hours), just like a sword fight. When you duel with pistols, it is over after just ten paces and a shot. Caroline clearly has her work cut out for her, despite the fact that pistols can stop a good swordsman before he gets started.

But that's cheating. Not honorable at all. And it's why I went first.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Visual Aid

This is what Lauren looks like. But only most of the time.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Lauren tells you about Caroline...

By Lauren Wood

Well, I had a wonderful blog all planned out, in which I chronicled my association with Caroline Wood from the very beginning, that auspicious first day at the Pace Acadmey "Open House."

I also mentioned that it was "just like Caroline Wood" to wait until I post first, so that it would fall to me to establish the tone of this, our nascent blog. As she has craftily posted first, my initial attempt is now both inaccurate and unnecessarily long. This is, in fact, just like Caroline Wood.

In her post, she mentioned all of those small, ridiculous things that fall into my area of expertise. She is correct. I know way more about John Cusack than Caroline. I know that Joan Cusack is his sister, and she is in all of his movies. He also has a sister named Ann Cusack who is also in several of his movies, as well as many crime and medical shows. However, this knowledge of John Cusack's prodigious career (and thespian siblings), means very little in the grand scheme of things. Concerning the things that matter, such as poetry, cooking, philosophy and yes, lipstick, Caroline is the authority.

Caroline Wood knows what the opposite of "hyperbole" is (I don't remember...she told me once). She also knows what a logarithm is. Well, I assume she does, anyway. She was in calculus, while I never made it through that section of Advanced Math Honors. As promised, she knows what is meant by "pastiche" and "chiromancy" and you have no idea how many times I've been asked to combine elements or read a palm. "If only Caroline had taught me chiromancy," I have often lamented, tearing at my hair in anguish, "then I could tell my Modern Poetry professor just why he needs to give me an A!"

For my birthday, Caroline made me an ice-cream cake, and bought me Sex Lives of the Popes. She promptly returned Sex Lives of the Popes because she assumed I already had it, but promised to buy it again once I told her I did not. Instead, she went to a botanica in Decatur, and bought me a number of items including a powder labeled "Powerful Lover." This is evidence of Caroline's cooking prowess, generosity, and embrace of exotica. I have none of these things. My recent successes in the cooking arena are merely attempts not to flounder in comparison to Caroline. I embrace my own selfishness with the same relish that I selfishly reject alternative cultures. As for the book of essays (I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley- Excellent) she decided to go with instead of Sex Lives of the Popes, I am sure she only meant to inspire and intimidate me into writing a better blog here!

Crafty! I never would have thought of that!

But did you know that John Cusack is a fan of heli-snowboarding? Or that his first movie was 1983's Class starring Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy?

All About Lauren

By Caroline Wood

Perspicacious readers:
There are a few things you ought to know about Lauren before swearing your allegiance to her shameless charm and tireless wit. I have composed a few (2) useful lists for your reading pleasure.

Things Lauren knows infinitely more about than I:
1. Journalism
2. Actors, Actresses, Television productions, major motion pictures, John Cusack, John Cleese, Flight of the Conchords, British Literature, American Literature, music of all kinds, 19th and 20th century novelists, Edith Wharton, William Faulkner, fashion, Boston, New York, London, public transportation, World Literature, vermouth, Sandy Springs, comedy, employment, the art of persuasion, Jane Austen, Saturday Night Live, the 80's, the history of song and dance, the human face, Decadence, Verizon wireless, The Importance of Being Earnest, grammar, exorcism, saints, libel, and the like.
3. Gay men

Areas in which I excel but in which Lauren, unfortunately, is pitifully unaccomplished:
1. Chiromancy
2. The art of pastiche
3. There is no number three
4. Lipstick

It is clear, then, that my strengths outnumber hers.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Filling space...

By Lauren Wood

Well, our blog just looked so very empty.

So, I thought I just had to say something. Hey! Look at that...italics!

Anyway, we'll pick a topic soon and then you, nonexistent reader, will be able to enjoy the highly intellectualish musings of your favorite people with the last name "Wood."

But for now, simply, welcome!