Sunday, August 10, 2008

Dear Despondent "Don,"

Welcome to Ask a Wood! (tentative title), the new monthly segment of friendly advice from Caroline and Lauren Wood. Today, I'll be addressing the query posted to us (quite anonymously) from a fellow called "Don." If you'll remember from Caroline's previous post, in which she so graciously forwarded his plight, "Don" has a thing for staples, and a fledgling romance. Will he be able to reconcile the two? Read on!

First, though, I should like to invite anyone and everyone to write in to Wood vs. Wood at WoodvsWood@gmail.com. No real problems please, we just don't care.

So, "Don," I am so very sympathetic to your problems!

You should know that you are by no means alone in your specific brand of fastenerphilia. Remember Stephen Root's brave performance in Office Space, or that of Mackenzie Crook in the (far superior) British version of the television series, The Office. Which reminds me, do you work with an idiotic boss?

But I digress. Given my finite knowledge of your life and personality, I think I can say with absolute confidence that the staples are the problem in your burgeoning relationship (I'm a bit psychic).

You see, your "Deena" sees your fascination with these toothed tools of togetherness, and understands that this stems from a psychological need to attach (this is also evident in your dedication to your beard). While your other acquaintances only recognize your undue interest as a simple quirk, this potential Romantic Interest reads the deeper implications, and is therefore intimidated by your commitment to keeping papers (or wounds) together. She knows that you'll work tooth and nail to keep her attached to you, and that's enough to scare anyone!

My advice: Give her time. It's highly likely that she'll soon meet, date, and be mercilessly dumped by some good-looking cad, and your commitment to fastening will suddenly become the sexiest trait to ever grace her cubicle. As for you, Darling "Don," you adorably wayward Random Gentle Love Dreamer, staple on! without fear of judgment or censorship. It is cute!

Just don't hurt anyone, and especially not "Deena."

3 comments:

Shpiegie said...

Uh Oh! It looks like Lauren has a crush on her oddly stapley friend =-P.

Moriah said...

What if it were... knock on wood?

c. grace said...

cute, moriah! I'm sure it's a pun you hear a lot as well...